Planning a Funeral – What needs to be done?

I’ve experienced the death of far too many close family members. None of them had planned their funeral in advance, and this article will discuss that particular type of circumstance. Planning a funeral in advance will be discussed in another article.

Who Should Do It?

I truly believe that the death of a loved one is the most painful, confusing and emotionally draining experience that anyone can go through. As painful and confusing as it is however, there is always a certain miracle that is borne out of these dire circumstances. The funeral somehow gets planned, and most often goes off without a hitch! Who are these wonderfully awesome people who accomplish this draining and delicate task? What can we learn from them?

I interviewed several of my family members and some of my neighbours who have been involved in funeral planning, and it was interesting to hear what they had to say. One thing that became clear as I listened to them was that there were several common denominators in those who had taken the lead in the funeral planning.

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1. They had a deep and undeniable love for both the deceased and the bereaved
2. They had a naturally helping personality and a strong sense of duty
3. They were highly proactive people who naturally responded in a crisis to get done what needed to be done
4. They had a large support system of friends, family and neighbours that they could rely on and designate to
5. They Wanted To

These were largely common factors. There were many different personalities and circumstances that are not really relevant to basic funeral planning. In some cases, the situation required very specific actions. Personal details will not be discussed. I’ve merely drawn on the experience of generous loving people, and in this series of articles I’ll share their advice and experience on how to go about planning a funeral from beginning to end.

The First Steps:

Talking About it
Broaching the subject is probably the most difficult step to take says my Aunt Delores. "When your grandfather died" she said, "nobody quite knew how to bring it up. It was as if we didn't want to say the "F" word. I think we knew that talking about the arrangements would make it all too real".

Don’t be afraid to bring up the topic. It has to be done, and everyone is very aware of that. You do want to be very discreet on when and where to discuss these matters though. It wouldn’t be appropriate to plan the funeral with children present, or around someone who is having difficulty coping. If you are a family member needing to discuss the plans with the spouse or other close family members, do so tenderly. Go somewhere quiet and private.

If you are the spouse, it might be better to let other family members handle the details. If there was something specific your loved one would have wanted, then by all means bring it to their attention. A special poem or a favourite song sung or played at the funeral can be very therapeutic to everyone. It can provide a memory of a beautiful moment on an otherwise bleak day. Don’t feel as though you have to take care of everything. You have been through an emotionally draining and painful ordeal. Let people who want to help do so, it will make things easier on all who are involved.

Communication with sensitivity and tact are crucial in the early days following a death. Once general decisions have been made, such as which church and what day the funeral will be held, a funeral director should be involved. In my next article I’ll discuss finding the right one, and what you should expect from them.